You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
