If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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