my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
