Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
