with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
COCAINE IS GR8
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
