So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
