I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
