like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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