I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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