if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
