if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I can't turn off my feet"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
