you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
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