Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
