I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
It all started with a game of naked twister.
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