I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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