I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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