the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
