My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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