Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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