It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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