I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
It's official drugs can't kill me
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
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