Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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