Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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