My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
