I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
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He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
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You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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