we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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