you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
