the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
