Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
