so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
