I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
