Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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