Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
how drunk are you?
Several
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
