woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
