the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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