i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
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Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
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Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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