New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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