I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
When did angry sex become our thing?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Randomize
