come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
