You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
