Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
