Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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