I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
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