its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
