Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
