you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Please don't give away my fajitas
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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