We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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