My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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