ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Randomize
