Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
