my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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