happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
