She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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