Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
