I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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