you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
