I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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